Nekyia
It was an exhausting week last week. Between the pace of work and having a cold I felt run down. I was looking forward to a weekend of sleep and ‘doing nothing’.
Instead, even more ‘work’ was done – we went to the grocery store, Costco, and the hardware store. We did massive amounts of laundry. The pile of ‘to iron’ shirts was finally tackled. I tried to get out some of the fall decorations. I had to do last week’s paperwork. So I start Monday no more rested and feeling again sleep deprived. I feel tired every day only to ‘wake up’ at 10PM each night. Apparently my mind doesn’t want me to go to sleep. I sense this is because I don’t want the next day to arrive and begin.
Last night we had a rainstorm. One of those Arizona storms that dumps a lot of water only to pass over and reveal clear skies. So I was able to go out to the hot tub and sit for a while. It was quiet, perfectly quiet. The full moon was bright but intermittently present by passing clouds.
It made me thoughtful. What am I doing? Where am I going? Why does nothing feel solid?
Everything what I do/who I am/where I am is in no way what I thought I would be. I can not remember what I thought I was to be. I once hoped of becoming a great psychoanalyst in Evanston Illinois, helping people delve into the Unconscious.
I am not unhappy but I am not at ease. Somewhere along the road I got lost, and I don’t even remember what Journey it was supposed to be.
Philosophers and psychologists and theologians may call this the “Dark Journey of the Night”. Jung called it Nekyia, or ‘Night Sea Journey” Although the impulse is to ‘get somewhere as soon as possible’ I am wise enough to let it be. When you are in the dark, running fast isn’t recommended. Better to 'be in it. Eventually I will get somewhere.
Instead, even more ‘work’ was done – we went to the grocery store, Costco, and the hardware store. We did massive amounts of laundry. The pile of ‘to iron’ shirts was finally tackled. I tried to get out some of the fall decorations. I had to do last week’s paperwork. So I start Monday no more rested and feeling again sleep deprived. I feel tired every day only to ‘wake up’ at 10PM each night. Apparently my mind doesn’t want me to go to sleep. I sense this is because I don’t want the next day to arrive and begin.
Last night we had a rainstorm. One of those Arizona storms that dumps a lot of water only to pass over and reveal clear skies. So I was able to go out to the hot tub and sit for a while. It was quiet, perfectly quiet. The full moon was bright but intermittently present by passing clouds.
It made me thoughtful. What am I doing? Where am I going? Why does nothing feel solid?
Everything what I do/who I am/where I am is in no way what I thought I would be. I can not remember what I thought I was to be. I once hoped of becoming a great psychoanalyst in Evanston Illinois, helping people delve into the Unconscious.
I am not unhappy but I am not at ease. Somewhere along the road I got lost, and I don’t even remember what Journey it was supposed to be.
Philosophers and psychologists and theologians may call this the “Dark Journey of the Night”. Jung called it Nekyia, or ‘Night Sea Journey” Although the impulse is to ‘get somewhere as soon as possible’ I am wise enough to let it be. When you are in the dark, running fast isn’t recommended. Better to 'be in it. Eventually I will get somewhere.
posted by Ur-spo at 8:21 AM
13 Comments:
Curtis over at "Let Me Tell You About it Sweetie" had a quote on his blog today that I thought about when I read your post - his was talking about friends but I think it works for those of us who get impatient or unsure in our careers...
“I may not be moving as fast as you would like. But I haven't walked away, either.”
Not sure why, but I think it fits here..
Spo...I hear you on that NIGHT JOURNEY 'cause I am on one right now. Have been, it seems, for the last couple of years. But I am trying to do, as you say,"althouh the impulse is to get somewhere as soon as possible...let it be." Have a good week my friend.
I feel like I've just come out of my long journey in regards to understanding myself but I feel like I'm in the middle of another dark journey regarding my singing, I hope to get moving out of that area by the end of the year, I have to be singing, somewhere, somehow, it's going to happen that's all I know.
It's because you are in this hellhole called Arizona. Get out while you can. You don't want to end up like me. Run. Run like the wind!
You will get "there" soon enough. Let it be and enjoy the ride as much as possible.
We all have those "long dark journeys into night". Sometimes it helps in the midst of those journeys to let it be as you suggest, and perhaps to look up and in the midst of the "night" to appreciate the "moon" and "clouds" that grace it.
Live in the moment my friend...this is what I am TRYING SO HARD TO DO AS WELL. It's so funny (not really) that you mention this...these were my thoughts today as I drove home. I think it's healthy to question things, make necessary changes, and move forward. Life is great - we're fortunate to be able to make those changes, if need be. Breathe and enjoy where you are now.
OOOOOoooooooo I like this. Let me see if "I" learned anything.
We all have a destination. But the real trip is not necessarily that.
You have to look at the vehicle you're in, the company in the car with you.
Make sure you have the things needed to enjoy the ride.
So you took a detour. It's probably needed in order for you to be a better person when you get to your "point B"
As for the dark journey, sometimes it's better not to see further then the head lights.
The sun will be shining soon, the fog will lift and you'll be on your way. Yes you'll be able to go faster, but still take time to enjoy the surroundings.
I'm still not sure we have to get to "point B" but I know we have to strive to get to it.
Sometimes I say a little prayer to get through a time like that. I say, "Hey, I'm lost. What's up?" I often wonder if there isn't more I should do to achieve life's purpose.
You have a great voice Michael. I love coming to read your posts, because I always learn something, and you make me think!
I think that light will come from within and with your hope and faith the light will show you the way.
I feel like my journey will never end. Oh well as long as the truck is fueled up why not keep right on trucking.
Mike, when Dante felt as you're feeling, he wrote the Divine Comedy. Or, as my Jewish grandmother would say, "and where is it written that you should be at ease?"
The type of questioning and self doubt that you're experiencing is part of the human condition, and not necessarily an alltogether negative part. Being and doing at 40 what you thought you were and planned to do at 25 isn't what i would call living a very dynamic, sensitive life. We all are subject to the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and only an insensitive dolt doesn't modify his life's trajectory in response.
A life of questioning, doubting, and constant reevaluation is, Mike, ultimately much richer than that of someone who always knows where he is.
Post a Comment
<< Home