Loneliness
“Are You Lonely?”
When I meet a new patient, I have a routine; I ask a series of questions so all the bases are covered. There are the usual things like medical conditions, medications, family history, and substance use. But I’ve thrown in a few special questions to let me know the person. “Are you lonely?” is often asked, even if they seem to suggest being married/partnered or with family/friends around.
Most often than not I hear the reply ‘Yes, I am. Very.”
The frequency I hear this may be skewed to the population of patients I see, but I don’t think it is the complete explanation for all the loneliness I hear. Loneliness is not mental illness, but its ubiquitous presence makes for a lot of human misery. I am a believer that the ‘social glue’ of clubs, chums, and social events are vital to mental health.
An elderly woman once said;
“You know doctor, loneliness makes ordinary problems seem tragic. And mine are quite ordinary little old lady problems that wouldn’t feel so bad if I had some visitors”.
Women seem to bond, make friends easier than men. There are a lot of psychological theories why this is so. Paradoxically men need comrades maybe more than women do. Men (gay or straight) need the company of other men more than ever.
I know in my Psyche there is an old childhood wound. It warns;
‘If you let people know you, they will reject you.” Later in life (later than I wished) I became at ease with the parts of my Self, and where I am tender. I started making real friends. Then two things occurred. I started to work. If there was leftover time, it was far easier (and less tiring) to catch up on paperwork and house chores than to go out/see friends. I moved twice, so budding friendships in Chicago and Michigan translated to far flung relationships held together by letter, emails, and phone calls.
I am in the present challenge of keeping in touch with friends scattered throughout the nation (and abroad) while trying to make local friends too – and not let my work suck up my energy. Blogging has an element of seeking out/meeting new people – and making new friends. Do people find lasting friends via blogs? I have yet to find out. I know I hope for such.
When I meet a new patient, I have a routine; I ask a series of questions so all the bases are covered. There are the usual things like medical conditions, medications, family history, and substance use. But I’ve thrown in a few special questions to let me know the person. “Are you lonely?” is often asked, even if they seem to suggest being married/partnered or with family/friends around.
Most often than not I hear the reply ‘Yes, I am. Very.”
The frequency I hear this may be skewed to the population of patients I see, but I don’t think it is the complete explanation for all the loneliness I hear. Loneliness is not mental illness, but its ubiquitous presence makes for a lot of human misery. I am a believer that the ‘social glue’ of clubs, chums, and social events are vital to mental health.
An elderly woman once said;
“You know doctor, loneliness makes ordinary problems seem tragic. And mine are quite ordinary little old lady problems that wouldn’t feel so bad if I had some visitors”.
Women seem to bond, make friends easier than men. There are a lot of psychological theories why this is so. Paradoxically men need comrades maybe more than women do. Men (gay or straight) need the company of other men more than ever.
I know in my Psyche there is an old childhood wound. It warns;
‘If you let people know you, they will reject you.” Later in life (later than I wished) I became at ease with the parts of my Self, and where I am tender. I started making real friends. Then two things occurred. I started to work. If there was leftover time, it was far easier (and less tiring) to catch up on paperwork and house chores than to go out/see friends. I moved twice, so budding friendships in Chicago and Michigan translated to far flung relationships held together by letter, emails, and phone calls.
I am in the present challenge of keeping in touch with friends scattered throughout the nation (and abroad) while trying to make local friends too – and not let my work suck up my energy. Blogging has an element of seeking out/meeting new people – and making new friends. Do people find lasting friends via blogs? I have yet to find out. I know I hope for such.
posted by Ur-spo at 7:35 AM
5 Comments:
Your patients are very lucky to have you as their physician... to be that caring is such a rare thing in the medical community today... you are to be commended!
As for the friends, they do make the loneliness easier and the simple problems much more tollerable... and I have found my blogging friends to be much more "genuine" than people that met other places...
I don't know if people I meet here will be lasting or not. But I do know that for right now, in this transition in my life it's nice to know there are people out there. It's working for the situation here and now and that's why I do it.
Like Spider said, you sound like a great doc.
Ever thought of going in private practice?
Like Maddog, I started blogging to get intouch with people because of my panis and anxiety. But I also made a point to get my ass out there and start living again.
But these virtual friends are great. I can't wait to meet some of them in person.
I would like to go to the gay help line and do some volunter work. I have over 10 years experience in phone sales and customer service. I'm just not sure I'm "me" ready.
Does that make sense?
Wanna meet more gay friends also.
I need some right now.
I have a therapist and a psychiatrist who only ask me one question. "So what's going on with you?"
It so bugs me you have no idea.
Kudos on doing more for your patients!
As Roxy Music once said "Loneliness is a crowded room!" I think the www is a great tool for getting people together. Hoe else would I know what you were thinking? Its weird but wonderful !
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