A Devine Joke
Recently I was reminded that God has a sense of humor.
I saw in consultation an 18yo woman, brought in (quite against her wishes) by her father, who was very concerned that she had something the matter. Turns out she had some mild bipolar depression, but the real explanation of ‘what is the matter’ wouldn’t have gone over too well. They were concrete people, so my attempt to explain the dynamics would have fallen flat. I thought I would share them with you.
After the consultation I felt absolutely rotten. When emotions hit like this it is always a good sign in a shrink to sit up/pay attention as to what went on there. And I figured it out. I was the victim of subtle psychology. The father, humble simple living man, devout in his religion not mine, was making me feel miserable that I was doing well/had money and I did not have his lot or views of life.
I remember a teacher calling it the Revenge of the Underdog; you are not allowed to kick a hurting dog but it is OK for him to bite you.
He had his conviction of belief, but at the price of a joyless, know-nothing else attitude towards life. He had a sort of minimum wage from God, and in return gave up all the joys of life – joys God also made I must add.
Where is God’s joke in this? God gave him a daughter who wants the maximum. She wants to travel, go to school, see countries and explore new ideas. She has talent to write and to make music. Father wants her content with his crust of bread living; she is keen to attend Life’s banquet. Yes, she was mess (history of mood swings, street living, drugs etc.) but her path in Life will be to go forward, not back to the little world of married/at home/homeschooling 5 children like her father wants her to be.
I’ll try to get her mood swings down to a dull roar, and get her to stop heroin. After that her Great Work begins.
I saw in consultation an 18yo woman, brought in (quite against her wishes) by her father, who was very concerned that she had something the matter. Turns out she had some mild bipolar depression, but the real explanation of ‘what is the matter’ wouldn’t have gone over too well. They were concrete people, so my attempt to explain the dynamics would have fallen flat. I thought I would share them with you.
After the consultation I felt absolutely rotten. When emotions hit like this it is always a good sign in a shrink to sit up/pay attention as to what went on there. And I figured it out. I was the victim of subtle psychology. The father, humble simple living man, devout in his religion not mine, was making me feel miserable that I was doing well/had money and I did not have his lot or views of life.
I remember a teacher calling it the Revenge of the Underdog; you are not allowed to kick a hurting dog but it is OK for him to bite you.
He had his conviction of belief, but at the price of a joyless, know-nothing else attitude towards life. He had a sort of minimum wage from God, and in return gave up all the joys of life – joys God also made I must add.
Where is God’s joke in this? God gave him a daughter who wants the maximum. She wants to travel, go to school, see countries and explore new ideas. She has talent to write and to make music. Father wants her content with his crust of bread living; she is keen to attend Life’s banquet. Yes, she was mess (history of mood swings, street living, drugs etc.) but her path in Life will be to go forward, not back to the little world of married/at home/homeschooling 5 children like her father wants her to be.
I’ll try to get her mood swings down to a dull roar, and get her to stop heroin. After that her Great Work begins.
posted by Ur-spo at 8:22 AM
21 Comments:
Very interesting.
I can only imagine the well of emotions/beliefs/attitudes and such that you deal with on a daily basis... and the puzzle-solving process to figure it all out :)
People like this woman remind me of the monologue from "Equus" where the psychiatrist talks about sacrafices to the "normal." How to help this woman without sacrificing her to the normal.
O boy do I know this father's type. Encountered enough - over time. Annoying, isn't it? My Sioux relatives call people like this, "Crazy-makers."
That makes so much sense to me. I had a friend in high school who had parents just like that. They expected her to settle for an ordinary life. She was unwilling to do so, therefore she rebelled in every way she could.
She finally left the family home, moved in with relatives, started counseling and quit doing drugs. Now she is a very successful graphic designer.
If she had done as her family wished, I seriously doubt she would be alive today.
How sad that some among us can only be "happy" if other share the sad fate that we have made for ourselves.
I too have encountered many people in my life like this man. I have not dealt with them as you did (as a psychologist), but they have been among my friends and acquaintances. Particularly in small towns, they cannot fathom a life beyond what they have known, nor can they fathom anyone wanting such a different life.
I love and miss my sons, but I am so glad to see them away from home pursuing their own dreams (not my dreams) in their own way.
I see some of my own family dynamic in that, the difference being that my Dad did very well for himself, all within the confines of minimal risk and small town isolation. It worked for him, so why not for his kids? I think he just wanted us safe, so he never encouraged risk or adventure or dreaming big. Not exactly your patient's situation, but I guess I understand/sympathize with the father a little. That said, I hope she figures it out (with some pointed guidance?) and breaks free of it sooner than I did.
Mike,
Isn't it tragically "normal" for a parent to want the child to have the same goals and value system that he has? Or, if the parent is dissatisfied with his lot, wants the child to realize all that he couldn't in life? This is really only marginally better than the first type; both are ultimately coercive. The parent defines the goals and objectives for the child. But it seems to sum up the reasons why the large majority of people have children: either to reproduce or to extend themselves.
It's only the vary rare parent who can raise, and help, his child to be free.
Heroin and mood swings....you have your work cut out for you my friend.
Who knows Spo, the father might have had dreams and aspirations for himself one day but................
At least he dragged her in for help against her obvious wishes.
I'm glad you're the one helping her.
Wow. It's weird hearing this scenario, having had so few pressure from my parents (other than to be a good person to people, and have a decent job so I can be ok in life). I wish you -and her, more importantly - luck in this work!
How you do it I will never know - but I am so glad you are out there to do it and do it so well...
The girl is lucky. So many never even get to the starting gate, to begin their Opus Vivendo.
He came into your office and made you feel bad or he personally attacked you based on your income? I don't know how you do it. Who consels the coulselor at times like this.
Pete - there are subtle comments that most people wouldnt 'hear' but I caught them as barbs. Me big bad rich doctor; him poor working but godfearing real man. Even the Pope has a Confessor; most counselors keep in touch with some couneslor mentor themselves.
Spider - half the time I don't know how I do it either; it gets very overwhelming at times.
Maggie- I'm glad you are happy; she sure has hell is not :-)
Bruce - you are spot on; it is a rare parent who can allow this other person to be more than mere extensions of themselves.
I'm amazed that you can do your job and not lose your mind. I'd last for about 3 minutes listening to the stuff you talk about here before I ran screaming for the room. But I guess we are all called to do what we do for a reason.
He did do a good thing by bringing her in. He wants to help her. But I'm not sure the help and answers that will come out are what he wants to hear.
If she lets you in, she'll be happy her father took her to you.
What you need is to see and talk to her alone.
He'll be pissed. Let's just hope he doesn't have the influence to make her stop treatment.
Cheers to you for commiting yourself to really helping this poor girl out. Life puts enough restraints on us, having a family who doesn't support you and purposely wants to hold you back just sucks. It will be interesting to hear how this all works out.
I've met a bunch of folks like this before. I don't just mean the religion- there are some conservative Christians out there who are fine and thoughtful folks. It's the miserly approach towards the good in life that I find hard to take. I really liked your image of the dad's "getting the minimum wage from God." I've never heard of it referred to that way before, but it really captures the attitude well.
Yes, she was mess (history of mood swings, street living, drugs etc.) but her path in Life will be to go forward, not back to the little world of married/at home/homeschooling 5 children like her father wants her to be.
LITTLE? I wish! *L*
It ain't fer everyone! ;)
Is it a requirement that every therapist have her own? She sounds quite remarkable. I feel as if the explanation of the father's actions was a bit opaque so I can all but guess at what occurred. It reminds me of when my mother and I were seeing the same therapist. Probably not the best of ideas, but I really hated that therapist anyway, so it wasn't going to be tremendously effective (there were other reasons as well). I hope that you are feeling better about all of that, and best of luck with your client.
WOW! this post was loaded...action-packed.
Perception is sometimes a curse, I suppose. It's admirable that you were able to focus in on the cause of your own angst and resolve it. I somehow know you'll be able to help this woman, and I hope she continues to see you.
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